Impromptu weddings and free liquor

No more than two weeks ago the day had been progressing as per the usual. I was doing some laundry, mom was going through the mail, dad was watching his girlfriend Rachael Ray turn a can of corned beef hash into some gourmet concoction. The phone rings! It's my uncle, he chats with my mom about stuff, beats around the bush, and eventually reveals that he has proposed to his girlfriend and is getting married. I'm in the can and my dad shouts HEY JOEL MATTS GETTING MARRIED. I KNOW, I shout somewhat awkwardly. When's the wedding? asks my mum.

July 1st, THIS year.

haWHAT????

OKAY, that's cool and all, but when you're a server and a student and blah blah blah it's an ass of a deal trying to get not one but TWO shifts picked up at America's premier seafood restaurant. Either way, that's the premise, I got the day off and....

I LOVE FREE FOOD AND LIQUOR

heYEEEEAAAAAHH!!!!

Of the weddings I've been to, this may have been the most enjoyable yet. Nestled just north of downtown Stillwater, Albertson's farm is a quaint little place to get married in your choice of a lovely gazebo, in a garden with the statue of Poseidon looking on, and even in a big red barn (where upstairs next to a bed sits the mannequin of a hooker with frillies and what I'm sure is a crossdresser behind a screen). To help paint the already vivid picture of this encounter that is already so interesting, I would be a criminal to not mention the pineapple fountains, and the exotic chickens that, as my mother pointed out, "won the blue ribbon at the Washington County Fair". As sarcastic as I may be making this sound, I really did enjoy myself. I was overwhelmed with kitsch and I loved it. And oh the ceremony was even better! Judge Albertson, the cutest old man you ever did meet, did some paperwork with those involved int he ceremony, sent them off, and became for 5 minutes wedding DJ extraordinaire. As the wedding party was getting in order off by one of the pineapples, he is flipping through his collection of matrimoneous CDs and sampling tracks off of each. A few seconds of pachelbel's cannon played, only to be ousted by the wedding march, which was then replaced by something else of equal sentiment. Once he figured out which one he wanted, he paused it as if to say "alright, shut your pie holes and let's get this done", started it up again, and let the doings commence. My uncle is not the most emotional person on this green earth, and I wasn't sure if he just felt awkward or if he was having trouble with the cue cards when he read his vows, which made it all the more cute. The judge announced my uncle and new aunt, and said we were all cordially invited to go check out his barn so he could show off all his cool stuff(!)

After exploring, having to take photos, and getting dangerously close to what would have been VERY awkward family drama going down (there's some hella old and nasty drama in my family, as I'm sure is in most everyone's. This was yet another opportunity for it to rear it's very ugly head), we headed on down to the reception.

My brothers and I went to see my aunt and uncles new diggs in downtown stillwater (one very trendy loft that is oh so chic), we (and by that I mean me) primed up with some wine before the festivities, and made our way.

Now usually, I don't care for these big family outings. Things are awkward, you've gotta smalltalk with people you are obliged to do so with, answer the same questions over and over blah blah blah. But when you've got an uncle who is more than happy to pick up your bar tab and buy you anything you desire, you take full advantage of this generosity and you have a damn good time.

Let me tell you, that was a delicious martini. And what's this? Champagne with dinner too! (a beautiful new york strip may i add) Well Joel, I'm going up for more, what do you want? Well uncle, I think I'll have an iron butterfly! By the time I was finished with my potato the whole table was telling Chuck Norris jokes and i was as red as a beet.

Did you know Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer? Too bad he never cries!

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands.

It just didn't stop! All the awkwardness faded away, everything was 20 times more interesting, and all it took was a lot of liquor and a very generous uncle.

I therefor resolve that the world should be made up of young people and generous relatives. Let them enjoy each others company, drink together and be merry. And when the generous relatives are gone, the youth will take their place as the generous relatives and return the favor. In such a world I am sure that hunger, poverty, and war will be eliminated, and the only thing we as a society need worry about are keeping the liquor flowing and creating new livers for when the old once give out.

So give peace a chance people, and get yourselves drunk.

Amen.