Dear _______,

I have been trying to write this for years. Whether in my head, on paper, or on the computer, every time I try I just don't know if it's worth it. I want you back in my life, but is it you from five years ago, or you now? You know as well as I do that we are both different people and the likelihood that we share anything to talk about outside of the weather frightens me. I've never been able to deal with rejection well... the philosophy of what would I have to lose seems to be more logical, but who ever said that emotion was logical? I have to question my motivation in writing this... Is it because I want to resolve what has been dangling in my mind for four years? Do I want to put the past behind me and move forward? Do I just want to tell you off? Or am I looking for you to tell ME off? I deserve it, we both do. But you're not the one who, knowing you would be there, has avoided parties for fear of seeing you again. You've reached out in little ways that I haven't. As trivial as it can be in other situations, the fact that you added me to your facebook is huge. It means nothing when you add the kid you sit next to in lecture, but you reached out to me, knowing the history of things. But maybe this history is all in my head... WHO KNOWS?! I am known to read into everything. I don't just think of what people think of me; I think about how I think about how other people think about me. This whole situation might be a product of my paranoia and extrapolated anxiety left to brew for five years. Then again, the last time we spoke was obviously tense. After so many years all we could do was talk about the paper and school... I don't know, this all seems so contrived. Do I want you back? Or do I want the person you were five years ago back? And after this long would you have even a remote interest in the person I have become, because I am certainly not the person you likely remember. I just don't know.

And none of it matters, because you won't ever see this.

I hope you're well and happy.

-Joel