The H is for Hot, Bitch

But if you call now, we'll DOUBLE your order!

2008-03-14T19:59:00.010-06:00

When engaging in the acts of internet browsing, television watching, or automobile driving, amongst other invigorating ways to pass the time, we are constantly bombarded with the subtle and/or not so subtle art of advertisement. From the billboards depicting that juicy triple bacon cheddar monster burger you hadn't expected to pull over for, the semi-truck pulling power of the epoxy you never knew you needed until Billy Mays was screaming quite the contrary, to the blinking banner above your favorite website INSISTING that you will win a free iPod if you slap the sumo with just the right amount of gumption, we are surrounded by the clever and exciting world of advertisement. Not that I am complaining, let's make this clear, because without the vibrant selection of our favorite annoyances much of what we have come to enjoy would not be able to exist (free television, websites, etc...). But when I stumble upon an ad like the one I am sharing with you, I cannot help but enjoy a little chuckle and really wonder what the hell is going on.

Let's analyze this...
1) No one, and I mean no one, clicks on web advertisements. Obviously I'm wrong about this one, because they're everywhere and someone is clicking on them. But really, I'm right, and you know it.
2) WHAT THE HELL?!?!
3) Now that I've clarified my opinion, just look at this thing! Even if the second half of the image (the 'before', if you will) wasn't "simulated imagery" (as stated on the photo, which can be seen more easily with a swift click on it) you would have to put a good amount of eye liner *in* your wrinkles to even come close to this photoshopped monstrosity.
4) Predicated by the notion that our "simulated imagery" is even remotely close to some level of authenticity, WOW. If this product can make the aforementioned photoshopping look like it's counterpart on the left, then I'd be a monkey's uncle if it didn't cure cancer and feed starving babies.

Whatever schmuck came up with this vitriol shit ought to be hogtied and dragged into Assholetown. Who the hell comes up with this shit, who approves said shit, and how is it that between these two bitches and anyone else involved not a one of them thought to themselves WOW, we suck balls. BIG HAIRY BALLS.

As much as we may hate it, advertisement is and will continue to be a part of our daily lives. Without it, how else would you have known to stop by your favorite fast food joint for that 5lb. heart attack, or be able to clean up that wine stain, wash your car, AND cook dinner with Billy Mays' super shammy. But the last time I checked, liver tonic hasn't been sold since about 1896, so please you assholes responsible for this atrocity to the good name of commercialism, put your miracle cream away and shut the fuck up!

Love,
Ghey

2007-11-29T16:16:00.000-06:00

Dear _______,

I have been trying to write this for years. Whether in my head, on paper, or on the computer, every time I try I just don't know if it's worth it. I want you back in my life, but is it you from five years ago, or you now? You know as well as I do that we are both different people and the likelihood that we share anything to talk about outside of the weather frightens me. I've never been able to deal with rejection well... the philosophy of what would I have to lose seems to be more logical, but who ever said that emotion was logical? I have to question my motivation in writing this... Is it because I want to resolve what has been dangling in my mind for four years? Do I want to put the past behind me and move forward? Do I just want to tell you off? Or am I looking for you to tell ME off? I deserve it, we both do. But you're not the one who, knowing you would be there, has avoided parties for fear of seeing you again. You've reached out in little ways that I haven't. As trivial as it can be in other situations, the fact that you added me to your facebook is huge. It means nothing when you add the kid you sit next to in lecture, but you reached out to me, knowing the history of things. But maybe this history is all in my head... WHO KNOWS?! I am known to read into everything. I don't just think of what people think of me; I think about how I think about how other people think about me. This whole situation might be a product of my paranoia and extrapolated anxiety left to brew for five years. Then again, the last time we spoke was obviously tense. After so many years all we could do was talk about the paper and school... I don't know, this all seems so contrived. Do I want you back? Or do I want the person you were five years ago back? And after this long would you have even a remote interest in the person I have become, because I am certainly not the person you likely remember. I just don't know.

And none of it matters, because you won't ever see this.

I hope you're well and happy.

-Joel

Blog? What blog?????

2007-11-15T01:07:00.000-06:00

It would figure my return to the blogosphere would be undramatic and a manifestation of my procrastination, but here I am. Why would I ever stop blogging? After all, I'm Ghey In The Fucking City! I haven't posted ANYTHING in FOUR MONTHS, surely there are untold wonders that could have been immortalized in the annals of the internet now lost forever to the abyss of forgetfulness and the past, right? This is correct, but only to a pathetically limited extent. If I were to sum up the vast, and I mean VAST as is 95%, majority of my time spent in the last four months, it would follow as such...

July-August: 35% sleep, 25% work, 10% driving, 10% news & internet, 15% opera, 5% socializing
September-Present: 30% sleep, 20% school & opera, 20% homework & practice, 10% driving, 10% work, 10% news & internet

Notice the lack of socializing... what little time I allot to my friends is on the phone in my car, or a micromanaged dinner that I feel guilty about doing because I could have been reading something instead. Have I accomplished a lot? You better damn well believe I have. Is it worth it? HELL NO! I'm like an automaton, sleep-drive-school-drive-homework/job-sleep-repeat. I don't give any time for myself. I have only woken up without an alarm clock once in the past 3 months, and it was so magnificent I wish I could do it again. That simple moment of being natural, letting things go and not worrying...I've learned my lesson, at least I think I have. I just finished registering for next semester. It's busy but it's manageable, just like this one. But I'm not going to do three shows one after the other. I'm going to schedule time for me, and no one or nothing else. I'm going to have dinner with my friends, and not turn down offers to go out because I have too much shit to get done.

Thank You blog, I needed that.

I'm back BITCHES!

2007-07-13T16:20:00.000-06:00

Why would I ever need to write posts when i can just put up videos?! But seriously folks, you'll love this one. I know you've all seen this one, maybe it's been a couple of years, but I know you'll like it!

Priceless

2007-07-04T03:05:00.001-06:00

2007-07-02T02:28:00.001-06:00

Note: Y'all know how I love to blog in a very extended and detailed manner. This is why I give you all time between postings to be able to take it all in. So no excuses for not reading/commenting. Now, proceed to the joys of my day and this new post...

Impromptu weddings and free liquor

2007-07-02T01:46:00.000-06:00

No more than two weeks ago the day had been progressing as per the usual. I was doing some laundry, mom was going through the mail, dad was watching his girlfriend Rachael Ray turn a can of corned beef hash into some gourmet concoction. The phone rings! It's my uncle, he chats with my mom about stuff, beats around the bush, and eventually reveals that he has proposed to his girlfriend and is getting married. I'm in the can and my dad shouts HEY JOEL MATTS GETTING MARRIED. I KNOW, I shout somewhat awkwardly. When's the wedding? asks my mum.

July 1st, THIS year.

haWHAT????

OKAY, that's cool and all, but when you're a server and a student and blah blah blah it's an ass of a deal trying to get not one but TWO shifts picked up at America's premier seafood restaurant. Either way, that's the premise, I got the day off and....

I LOVE FREE FOOD AND LIQUOR

heYEEEEAAAAAHH!!!!

Of the weddings I've been to, this may have been the most enjoyable yet. Nestled just north of downtown Stillwater, Albertson's farm is a quaint little place to get married in your choice of a lovely gazebo, in a garden with the statue of Poseidon looking on, and even in a big red barn (where upstairs next to a bed sits the mannequin of a hooker with frillies and what I'm sure is a crossdresser behind a screen). To help paint the already vivid picture of this encounter that is already so interesting, I would be a criminal to not mention the pineapple fountains, and the exotic chickens that, as my mother pointed out, "won the blue ribbon at the Washington County Fair". As sarcastic as I may be making this sound, I really did enjoy myself. I was overwhelmed with kitsch and I loved it. And oh the ceremony was even better! Judge Albertson, the cutest old man you ever did meet, did some paperwork with those involved int he ceremony, sent them off, and became for 5 minutes wedding DJ extraordinaire. As the wedding party was getting in order off by one of the pineapples, he is flipping through his collection of matrimoneous CDs and sampling tracks off of each. A few seconds of pachelbel's cannon played, only to be ousted by the wedding march, which was then replaced by something else of equal sentiment. Once he figured out which one he wanted, he paused it as if to say "alright, shut your pie holes and let's get this done", started it up again, and let the doings commence. My uncle is not the most emotional person on this green earth, and I wasn't sure if he just felt awkward or if he was having trouble with the cue cards when he read his vows, which made it all the more cute. The judge announced my uncle and new aunt, and said we were all cordially invited to go check out his barn so he could show off all his cool stuff(!)

After exploring, having to take photos, and getting dangerously close to what would have been VERY awkward family drama going down (there's some hella old and nasty drama in my family, as I'm sure is in most everyone's. This was yet another opportunity for it to rear it's very ugly head), we headed on down to the reception.

My brothers and I went to see my aunt and uncles new diggs in downtown stillwater (one very trendy loft that is oh so chic), we (and by that I mean me) primed up with some wine before the festivities, and made our way.

Now usually, I don't care for these big family outings. Things are awkward, you've gotta smalltalk with people you are obliged to do so with, answer the same questions over and over blah blah blah. But when you've got an uncle who is more than happy to pick up your bar tab and buy you anything you desire, you take full advantage of this generosity and you have a damn good time.

Let me tell you, that was a delicious martini. And what's this? Champagne with dinner too! (a beautiful new york strip may i add) Well Joel, I'm going up for more, what do you want? Well uncle, I think I'll have an iron butterfly! By the time I was finished with my potato the whole table was telling Chuck Norris jokes and i was as red as a beet.

Did you know Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer? Too bad he never cries!

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands.

It just didn't stop! All the awkwardness faded away, everything was 20 times more interesting, and all it took was a lot of liquor and a very generous uncle.

I therefor resolve that the world should be made up of young people and generous relatives. Let them enjoy each others company, drink together and be merry. And when the generous relatives are gone, the youth will take their place as the generous relatives and return the favor. In such a world I am sure that hunger, poverty, and war will be eliminated, and the only thing we as a society need worry about are keeping the liquor flowing and creating new livers for when the old once give out.

So give peace a chance people, and get yourselves drunk.

Amen.

2007-06-20T19:36:00.000-06:00

Oh my things are wonderful right now! So I took this polisci class this summer, 3 credits in 3 weeks. Pretty intense,especially considering everything that was going on. After all, it tends to be hard to read 18th century political theory for hours at a time every day. But it all payed off, and I aced the class! Part of what was keeping me so busy was the fact that I was rehearsing and opening an opera at the same time! "The Student Prince" went very well. I was in the chorus and also lackey #1, and was (with 3 others) the first people on stage! The trib gave us a good review (we're not going to talk about the press' review...) and our audiences were always of good size and some nights damn near sold out. I finished with that on Sunday and went to the cast party afterwards (kinda quiet at first, but once everyone had some wine in their system it was cool). THEN, on Monday I got a phone call during work, and I was offered a part in the Minnesota Opera chorus!!!! I gladly accepted, and if you click here, you can learn more about "A Masked Ball". And today I was called by a potential job and I'm interviewing tomorrow :-)

All in all, things are good.

And so is this...

The Landlord

I'm in Love!

2007-06-11T22:04:00.000-06:00

That's right folks, you heard it here first. Ghey is in love. You always find love in the most unlikely places when you never saw it coming. Two weeks ago I was ponding an idea, and went out to think about it. I don't ever go looking, but every now and then it's nice to see what's out there. I was looking around and happened upon some intrigues, and there he was. Chic, modern, and refined. I'm usually pretty reserved, but I went for it. I didn't even give him a chance to speak, it was love at first sight. I even took him home to meet mom and dad, and they approved! They said I had made a good decision and welcomed him to the family. We've been curling up together the last few nights, nothing raunchy, just good times. In fact, he's with me right now. You want to know his name??? Model MT6458, my brand new laptop ;-)

Laziness

2007-06-01T14:17:00.000-06:00

Good day folks. Today I present to you my first blogging since moving back home. The move of which I previously spoke went pretty well. It wasn't all that bad, but by the end of the day I smelled like bleach and sweat and it was not a pretty picture. (considering, that after I attained such a lovely musk I had to go to opera rehearsal, then out for a drink with my friends!) Blech!

In any case, I titled this post as such for a reason...being at home is conducive to LAZINESS. I got up past noon today people. I never do that anymore! I was going to go exercise, but I felt the computer needed attention. Do you see where I'm going with this? It's an awful tredn that I hope to stop pretty soon. I think maybe I'll go put some laundry in and go for a bike ride, that'll cure these idle hands!

Well, maybe after I watch this again...

Grrrrrrr.........

2007-05-30T11:54:00.000-06:00

I hate moving! You get into such a rhythm of things. You know where everything is. Your room is tidy and neat. You made your house your home. THEN YOU HAVE TO TEAR IT ALL DOWN AND START OVER!!!

I'm not really that angry, it's just frustrating that's all. After all, I will be saving tons of money (no rent, no groceries, etc...) and I enjoy my parents company. But i won't be able to take my bike rides down to the stone arch bridge anymore, or get up or class 1/2 an hour before it starts. I just have to keep reminding myself that my going home means air conditioning too, and that makes everything better. it makes it cool, if you will.

Sorry about that one.

I have to keep cleaning.

In the mean time, go here...

http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

Transitions

2007-05-28T03:25:00.000-06:00

Minneapolis ---> Suburbs
Spring ---> Summer
School ---> Work

CHANGE is in the air! Do you suppose that we over the years have aligned most of our major changes to happen in Spring because it correlates with the change of season? I love this time of year; the weather is beautiful, friends are coming home, transitions take place and it allows me to reflect of what I've done and what I can do to improve. My parents helped me move most of my stuff today, and then treated me to a really nice lunch. Lately I've been realizing more and more how much I appreciate them and everything they do for me. I'd say I feel bad about what a brat I used to be, but I don't because it makes me appreciate them all the more now that I can see things more from their point of view (and it also helps that I'm not a little emo kid anymore)

I've got to go to bed, but to make some notes about the past few days...

-I love my friends and they are awesome
-My new laptop is soooooo pretty
-I'm going to miss my house and my roomies :-(
-But living at home is cheap and all my friends are home :-)

Good Night!

2007-05-23T13:18:00.000-06:00

I have interesting things to note, and exciting prospects. But I have to read a lot of political theory before i go to work and I will return to you on Saturday.

Until then, and with greatest love,

Ghey

What???

2007-05-17T21:00:00.001-06:00

OK, so I'm on my way to opera rehearsal tonight and i noticed a large bit of graffiti that stated "FUCKLOVEKREW". 'OK' I think, wondering it's meaning but figure it's kind of offensive so I call the city and report it. I'm describing it, what it says, where it's located "GET OFF THE CELL PHONE!!!"

hUh?????

This lady who was looking to cross the street was apparently mad at me for being on my phone and not paying attention to her desire to cross the street. At first I was flustered, I thought to myself, oh my god id i almost hit this woman, then i was angry (pretty quickly after the concern). As she screamed at me I noticed that she did not have a walk sign and that she indeed had a small orange hand illuminated above her. I also had a green light, I think. It may have been yellow. I think it was green though.

Here's what I need to know people... was I in the right, the wrong, or a little bit of both. i know that you aren't supposed to be on your cell phone when you're driving, but who the hell doesn't talk and drive anymore. of course pedestrians always have the right of way, even if they are breaking traffic laws. After I figured out that the guy was still on the phone I explained that I was just yelled at and got off the phone to be angry at this bitch.

So... what's the verdict?

My name is Ghey.

2007-05-11T17:29:00.001-06:00

And I am funky.